While this blog is my happy and creative place to catalog all things DIY and home related, I also feel the need to be honest and candid with major events in my life. A while back I took a break from the norm and posted about training wheels. Today, I am taking another break and giving you a very raw look at my grief. 
“Mom! Mom! Maaaahummmmm!” bellowed my six year old daughter. “What, Riley?” “There’s a missing piece. I can’t find the last piece. I can’t finish my puzzle without the last piece. Do you know where it is?” It’s just a puzzle. It’s just one hundred pieces of intricately planned out pieces that fit snugly together to create a beautiful picture. It’s just a puzzle. It’s cardboard. I told her we could make a new one. Mommy could surely create a piece that looked like the missing one. “It won’t be the same. We can’t make one just like it. It will look different, mom.”
She was right. No matter how hard I tried, traced, cut, and colored, I could not create a piece that looked just like the original. The puzzle was incomplete. Plain and simple. Incomplete. Today is the one year mark of losing my brother, Tim. Incomplete. Our family is missing a piece to our puzzle. On vacations growing up, we would all work together on a putting together a huge puzzle over the course of the trip. We would gather as families to be together and when we felt like it, we could go to the game table and add more pieces to the ever growing masterpiece. I was quite young during one of these trips. After hours spent working on the puzzle, it was complete except for one piece. But this time, the piece wasn’t lost. I, at age three, had hidden the last piece of the puzzle. A bit shady, I will admit, but I wanted to be the one to complete the puzzle.
There is great satisfaction in completing something and placing the last piece into position to reveal the image in its entirety. I would love nothing more than to magically pull out the missing piece to our puzzle and to see the whole again. There is something so desperate deep down inside of me that just wants that puzzle to be whole again. I want that for my parents. For my sister. For all those who loved my brother. I have come to realize in a year’s time that grief sucks. Grief is a constant nagging ache that dissipates at times and then comes back with an unrelenting power that knocks you to your knees. It can take your breath away. Not in a good way.
I will not sugar coat the toll grief takes on a family. I do know that after one year, our family puzzle still feels incomplete. And I have come to accept that it always will. It’s not something that will magically go away nor will we ever be able to duplicate a piece to our puzzle so that it fits snugly once again. So the question remains, what do you do with a puzzle that has a missing piece? I suppose the answer will be different for everyone. I am choosing to set that one aside and build a new puzzle. One that is intricately made up of memories and images of the past. One that propels me to make sense of our new normal and to pursue all things that make us feel complete. As complete as we can feel. I allow myself to cry, to breakdown, to take a day off. I have come to know that in doing so I can work on my new picture of reality. I have jumped feet first into pursing my own dreams. I have looked at my children in a new way. I have fallen even deeper in love with my husband. I have accepted the role of taking care of our family and all that it means so that we can live snugly in this new image of life with a missing piece.
Riley decided to leave the puzzle as is. She didn’t want the make-shift piece I made for her. She accepted the puzzle with it’s missing piece and is proud of how she put it together. That’s a beautiful thing. And to my family, I am beginning to realize that our missing piece is not truly missing, but snugly in place waiting for the rest of our pieces to join. So we move forward and create all the beauty we can in this life. We work together. We raise each other up. We acknowledge the pain. We continue to add pieces of our own until one day we see the puzzle from a different perspective. In all of its glory.
Tim and me
I love you. I miss you.
Beautiful post Courtney. Truly touching. xxx
My thoughts and prayers have been with you and your family, Courtney. My heart just aches at the grief all of you are having to experience. I believe your idea of creating a new puzzle is a very positive approach and I commend you.
Love,
Sue
Beautiful perspective. Very touching
So well written. Praying for continued comfort and healing in your loss. Thank you for being willing to share so openly with your blog readers.
Very well written and I'm so so sorry. Grief is so hard and relentless. Thank you for posting—and for helping us to remember to hug are loved ones a little tighter today—and to remember loved ones that we've lost. For you—I hope today is filled with just that—hope. Hope that you can remember the old puzzle with very fond and happy memories and hope that you never forget but that grief lets up a little so you can look forward to your new puzzle.
Perfect analogy, Courtney. You find a way to get through the days and do the best you can with the life you're still living around the missing piece, but it'll always be there. A year is still very recent and very raw. Thinking of you today.
I have never commented on any of your posts (although I am a great fan of your talent) but I feel compelled to offer something after reading today's beautifully-written, heart-wrenching entry. I am in awe of your strength and eloquence in the wake of such tragedy. I am sorry for your loss and I pray that your family will continue to grow in strength and spirit, and embrace life's journey together.
I'm so sorry for your pain, grief and loss. I lost my mother less than a year ago (it was a very crappy, loss-filled year). I understand and feel the grief and pain you describe. I only wish my family could accept and create a new puzzle as you and your family have. I hope the puzzle(s) you create, bring you peace, much love and joy…
Beautifully said….prayers of peace and comfort for you and your family.
Oh Courtney, I am so sorry. Grief and the loss of someone so close is extremely tough. I lost my dad to Leukemia seven years ago. It's extremely tough and still so hard on a day to day basis for my mom. We try our best to remember all of the happy times, because there are too many to count. When you remember the happy memories, it is comforting. Sending big hugs your way. 🙂
Praying for you today, Courtney!
You write so beautifully. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your loss, your pain, and the feeling of incomplete. Take care.
Sweet friend – this post is so perfectly written -it's truthful and very encouraging. Big hugs and prayers being sent your way!
What a beautiful, well put analogy Courtney. Thinking of you and your family – may the happy memories bring you a bit of peace and comfort today. Hugs, sweet friend.
Aw, great post! Thanks for sharing a little about what is going on personally. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad you have such great memories and a supportive family. Praying for peace and comfort.
Thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful sentiment. I am sending long distance hugs your way, my friend. Today and every day.
Sending you love as you miss your dear brother. love the puzzle analogy. i've been thinking of puzzles a lot b/c jack was our puzzle guy. do i pour out a new puzzle on the dining room table, hoping the three of us wil somehow feel closer for completing it without him, or do i leave it in the box? xo
Such a beautifully written post Courtney. Crying with you today and sending all my love.
Sending you love xxx
J.
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I love how you tied it in with the puzzle – its an accurate analogy: families and puzzles and never being able to find a makeshift piece that fits as well as the old one. You had me crying as soon as I started reading, and thinking of my own sister. I'll be calling her as soon as she's out of class today. God bless you and your family.
What a beautiful post, Court. Your strength and grace continue to amaze everyone you encounter. Thank you for sharing – you inspire me in so many ways and I am so grateful to call you a friend. Sending lots of hugs to you and your family. xo
Sending mountains of hugs and prayers to you and your entire family today sweet friend. What a touching and heartfelt lesson. I am sure your brother is smiling down on you today and sending miracles…
My Dad died just 1 month ago tomorrow at the age of 53, and I can't tell you the comfort I take in your line about how the puzzle piece is waiting for the rest of us. It makes me feel better.
I'm so sorry about your brother…but you write so beautifully.
Courtney, I am sure yesterday and today we're terrible for you all. As you said grief sucks!!! One thing I do since Dad died is to carry something of his with me at most times, so I can reach in my pocket and feel a bit oh him. Yet at the same time, as you said the new puzzle begins. Your writing touched my heart and soul.
Aunt Mary
This is such a beautifully written post. So sorry for your loss.
a puzzle from a different perspective, yes, i like that. it's something that we, as people recently suffering a loss, just learn to deal with the grief, i don't think it ever goes away. saturday was the one year anniversary of my father's death, and i feel his loss at the greatest of times and at the smallest of times, like not being able to call him to say "we're home safe" from vacation. i'm not sure it gets easier, it just gets less sharp.
What a beautiful and loving post….so touching! I am so sorry for your loss….
Courtney, my heart still breaks for your loss. I know you are surviving and making the best out of this new life for you and your family. I'm here when you need a friend to talk to.
Courtney, my heart aches for you and your family. I'm inspired by your positive outlook despite the pain of missing your brother. I can't imagine how those without faith get through such challenges.
I've been thinking about you and your family today Courtney. A beautiful, heartfelt and very, very touching post. Keeping you all in my prayers today and sending you a big hug. XO Allison
what a thoughtful and heartfelt post. tears filled my eyes as i read it, especially the part about allowing for the puzzle to come together sans the important piece, your brother.
thank you for sharing it with the whole wide world and me.
Liz
What a wonderful way of looking at a devastating situation. You are hurting, but are taking all the good and pouring it into making your best life. I am sure your brother could not be more proud looking down on you! Thank you for sharing, and causing me to pause and remember that life is precious.
This was a great post, thanks for sharing
I can't even read the whole post right now…I started tearing up after the first paragraph! I'll have to come back to it when I'm not at work…but wanted to send you a big virtual hug and lots of love! xoxo
I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. Such a horrible loss, but you have such a great perspective on it. I'm so sad for you, and I wish I could give you a big hug right now! I'm sending positive, loving thoughts your way!! xoxo
Aw, my heart is so heavy. Feels close to how it did last year when you sent the email. Praying for your family and thinking of you guys lots. Your brother will always be apart of your lives no matter what. Beautifully written post. xoxo lots of love!
Dear Miss Courtney, I love how sweetly, honestly, and beautifully you can convey what is such a raw and awful situation…I love the parallel of a puzzle with a missing piece, but I love even more that he is already in place and just waiting for the other pieces to join him. Thinking of you and your sweet family, love ya to pieces, cute girl!
I wish I could hug you! Praying for your family….
Absolutely beautifully written.
Thank you for your beautiful words today. They come at a perfect time for me as well. I lost my sister 6 years ago to cancer. She was only 37 and left two young girls and a great husband behind. We still, and always will, feel the loss. Her birthday was this past Friday and, as we've done for six years now, we get together on her birthday and talk all about her, telling stories, eating her favorite foods, enjoying her company even though we miss her so terribly. Her girls are growing up now so it has become a truly special time together, just them, my mom and myself. She is alive in our hearts, even though we are incomplete without her. Amen to your phrase, "grief sucks." My heart and prayers go out to you and your family!
I am sitting here crying. That was beautiful Courtney. My heart goes out to you sweet friend.
Thinking of you friend! You'll see him again, I know it. Xoxo.
Having experienced the same thing (losing my brother – he was 17 and I was 26) he was killed one week after finishing high school by a drunk hit and run driver. All I could think about was this selfish person drove a car even though he was drunk. I would have paid him the $50 for the cab ride but no, he drove and killed a 17 year old boy. It was in 1989 and he will always be a 17 year old boy. My friend from school lost her 8 year old girl in January to Leukemia (16 weeks after being diagnosed) and losing a brother is one thing but now being a Mum myself I couldn't imagine the pain that the mother experiences. You have a new normal, life is not the same and it will never be the same. It hits you at different times and even though it was years ago for our family, it's always there. In the beginning if for some reason you laugh at something you feel disrespectful because you might be having a laugh, there are so many emotions on a day to day basis. I think acknowledging that lots of times it hurts and is difficult and wish you could change things is healthy. It is very sad for families to loose members and my heart goes out to you. It is a long road with your "new normal". All the best for your family. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
Oh Courtney, this was gut-wrenching. I am so so sorry I can't even imagine. Love you and let me know if I can do anything. xxoo
Such a beautiful way to look at it Courtney. I vividly remember the day you sent us the email too!! My heart broke for you then, and it still grieves with you today. Sending hugs and prayers your way!!
I am a hot soupy mess of tears over here. You have a way with words and this was so beautifully stated. I lost my dad almost eleven years ago and have experienced all of the feelings you mentioned, however, your message gave me warmth and another perspective, so thank you. Sending love and hugs and thoughts your way dear friend.
xo,
Jen
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I can only imagine what that feels like. I wish you comfort and wonderful memories to share with your precious children.
That was the most beautiful post ever! You were able to capture the loss and what you have been going through over the last year in such a touching and moving way. May you continue to get through the days ahead!!1
I lost my brother on November 12, 2011. Still grieving and looking for answers, I ran across this post on your blog. This post help me understand that I can either concentrate on the hole that is in my puzzle, or realize there is a beautiful picture that surrounds that empty spot. One my brother helped create. Thank you.
I lost my brother on November 12, 2011. Still grieving and looking for answers, I ran across this post on your blog. This post help me understand that I can either concentrate on the hole that is in my puzzle, or realize there is a beautiful picture that surrounds that empty spot. One my brother helped create. Thank you.
What a wonderful post and it really hit home for me. I lost my mom in March 2014. She loved Homegoods and decorating and that’s how I happened upon your Instagram. When she passed that’s where I went because it reminded me of her.
Courtney-
As we draw close to the one year anniversary of Jim’s passing, I remembered this post from years ago. I felt compelled to find it on your blog and as usual your thoughts are always spot on and always help me in my so many ways…
Love you dear friend
XOXO