Today marks the two year anniversary of my brother passing away. I distinctly remember writing about our grief last year on this day. I still feel every ounce of every word that I poured into that post. And yet 365 days have passed. I remember the cold and dirty floor on which I wept when I first found out we had lost Tim. I have not gone back to that once familiar store. I will never go back. I struggled with whether or not to write this post today. Do I stick with my usual tips and tricks of creating a home well loved and pretend it’s not an important day? Do I do that because it’s easier for my readers? Is it easier for me? My family? My friends?
{uncle tim and riley building castles at the montage, laguna beach}
Those who know me very well know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am not one to sugar coat and I am not one to avoid that which is so clearly in my face. Since the very day Tim died I have chosen to walk, crawl, wade, and trudge through the grief. I have to own it and build my life within the context of it. I will not let it consume me but rather shape me into the best person I can be. While the one year mark stung with an acute and intense pain because of the piece that we are missing, the two year mark has shown me ways that my brother is truly a driving force in our lives. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and in their own heart. I can only share that which makes my experience unique and authentic.
Losing a loved one creates a hole deep inside. I truly believe that. It’s a pain that is real and that does not go away. It is not always and the forefront of my mind nor does it consume me in a way that it did the first few excruciating months after the loss. But it’s ever present and it’s a reality. Sometimes it takes my breath away. Sometimes I cry while driving down the street or when I see the blond hair on my son’s legs that my brother had. My son loves golf. Tim loved golf. Tim was a natural. He had a beautiful swing and was comfortable on the golf course. I would be lying if I didn’t’ smile a little more on the inside each time I see my son pick up a golf club or walk with his clubs slung over his shoulder.
My daughter has a crazy sense of humor and will say things that make all of us roll on the floor laughing. Tim was naturally witty and funny. There wasn’t a single situation in life that Tim could not paint with humor or wit. I laugh a little more to myself when my daughter makes a funny joke or lightens the mood with her wit.
I adopted the motto “make it happen” this year. Tim made things happen. He was brilliant. He was off the charts intelligent and made personal and business connections like no one else. He created much from nothing and inspired us all with his deep knowledge on almost every subject imaginable. Tim pushed every limit there was to push. He never took no for an answer and paved his own way. I am working harder than ever with a drive that reminds me of Tim. I want to make him proud. I want to channel the best of him into my life so that I can carry on what he should have been able to do here.
Loss is painful. It stings. It does not go away. Time does not make it better. What I do believe is that grief can lead to an openness over time. An openness to being raw and vulnerable. An openness to seeing what life is truly about and to seeing the good in situations and people. I am so very open to seeing Tim’s guiding force in so much that we do. I feel that. And while there will always be a hole and an emptiness that can’t go away, there is a forward momentum. There is a shift in the wind and the boat is once again sailing forth into unchartered territory. The waves, like grief, are sometimes big and powerful and knock me down. Other days they are gentle and easier to navigate. But they are always there. And the boat continues to sail.
Loss presents itself to everyone, everyday. It can be in the smallest of ways like in the loss of a game, an argument or of our patience. It can also be grand in scale as in the loss of a parent, a child, or a friend. An unexpected death strips away the logic by which we try to rationalize loss. There is no way around it, the grief that is. There is no where to go but to trudge through it. And in doing so, allow yourself to be open to all the good that abounds. I am trying desperately to find the good.
Please do not confuse that with thinking anything was meant to be. That is not at all what I mean. In finding the good, we simply allow our boat to once again sail and to be open to the changing winds. At times we cling to the side of the boat for dear life and think it may turn over. Other times, we allow ourselves to sunbathe on the bow and take in all that life has to offer. We see the light that shines in others blessed by those that went before us. God waited for Tim clear across the water and welcomed him home to his shore. And we now brave the seas with an understanding that we will be welcomed home one day. But for now, we ride the waves of life and find the good. We stay open to all that is beautiful and kind and sweet. We giggle and snuggle and persevere to be the best that we can be. We sail on. More about my journey:
What a beautiful post. Praying for your little family.
Iris
Courtney, my thoughts and prayers are with you today. And although we share this time of grief, losing a father who lived a long and beautiful life does not compare to losing someone in their prime – someone who had so much more to be – to give. May your boat sail peacefully today.
With all my love,
Sue
So sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain losing someone causes and you'll be in my thoughts today.
Xo
Amanda
So beautifully written, and all of it so true. This fall will mark the 5 year anniversary of my brother's untimely death. And while it never gets easier, I too have learned to make it part of who I am, without defining me. Saving this post for when I need that reminder. Thinking of you & your family, today XO
Praying for you today! I'm sure this helped somebody else today, too.
Courtney, what a gift to have loved someone like Tim, and also to be able to put your grief for him into beautiful words that others can connect with. Wishing you and your family peace and love, today and every time you think of Tim.
Beautifully written Courtney and so very accurate. I lost my parents in quick succession 11 years ago and I will never forget the profound emotions and difficult journey of grieving them. It is good to find a way to carry the legacy of your loved one in how you continue to live your life, no matter what, they will always be a part of who you are and continue to be. My thoughts are with you today and everyday as you are reminded of your brother.
Cathy
thank you for sharing your heart with us today.
This post made me cry. I think it was a good thing that you shared your feelings so eloquently. You are so very strong, and I think your brother is by your side, reminding you of good times through your children.
Many virtual hugs and kisses xo
X Melissa
Once again, so well said and straight from your heart. Thinking of you and all of your darling family today…
Love you sweet friend XOXO
Sweet friend, that was so eloquently said! I hope it lifted some of the pain from today, and replaced it with sweet memories and love. He sounds like an amazing man…but of course he was, he's your gene pool!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Big hugs and prayers for you today!!!
Beautifully written, so sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful tribute to Tim Courtney. Two years? It doesn't seem like it has been that long, as I remember our first communication afterward. I can attest to the fact that you have honored Tim in many ways these past two years, and I know he is proud of you! You have taken a tragedy and turned it into a positive in your life and in your families lives by continuing to carry our Tim's legacy. Praying for you and the family today. (((HUGS)))
Courtney your writing is so perfectly eloquent! Thinking and praying for you dear friend. You've definitely honored him and your words will no doubt be a comfort to many others who are also dealing with grief.
This is such a beautiful post. I can't imagine the pain, but I know it does stay with you. I love that you've decided to look for the good and see Tim and all his goodness in your children. I know you all make him proud every day! Prayers and thoughts with you all.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope each day brings more peace. My thoughts are with you, I cant imagine how hard this journey must be for you.
Everyone needs to read this moving tribute. It is a blessing tio share this day with you. Your words are poetry…. GOd bless you & yours with His comfort & peace…
Your writing touched my heart…..It has been 9 years since I lost my best friend to cancer and I still feel her loss very deeply. Thank you for writing this and sharing with us~
You have a beautiful way with words! I'm sorry for your loss and understand your pain. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing this with your readers Courtney. You have a wonderful way with words and you have brought tears to my eyes. We lost my little brother less than a year and a half ago and not a day goes by I don't think about him or pray for him.
And you're right, the pain will never go away but with each passing day we can take the time to lift up and cherish the memories of those we've lost.
Praying for you today.
I'm sorry that your family has had to experience that loss and pain as I know too well what that is like and it is a bad day multiplied by a million. My 17 year old brother was killed by a hit a run drunk driver one week after graduating from high school at 17. I think one of the hardest things about it is once the funeral is over and everyone's lives go back to normal, yours is changed forever. It was only yesterday I heard a song on the radio that made me think of my brother. It was " walk like an Egyptian". In those days in 1989 we had a cassette players and I remember my brother trying to work out the words of the song and thre was no google and he would stop and start this song over and over each time writing the words down, rewinding and replaying it. Now in 2013 some 24 years later I still remember that moment in a heart beat. There are 5 kids in our family but he was our only brother and our family was changed for ever. As you mention that time doesn't make it go away that is true but some 24 years later I don't cry when I think of him however I'm sure in the first 15 I did. When something like this happens to your family you realize more than ever that human life is so precious and any job, house or object can be replaced but the human life can't. My heart goes out to you and I love that you are trying to remember him by being positive. Big hugs. Regards, Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
Courtney, thank you for sharing your feelings today. I am so sorry for your loss.
I love that you do look for the good in everything and everyone and that you live your life in such a positive way.
you have a beautiful soul. i am sure he is so excited to be reunited with you some day.
i am so sorry.
xxo
Courtney….so very sorry for your sadness today. Beautiful post.
Beautifully said – the perfect metaphor. xo
Courtney, what a beautifully written post and a lovely way to honor your brother on this day. You inspire me so much on a daily basis with your positive outlook, your values and morals, your love of family and friends and your beauty and kindness, inside and out. You are genuine. Sending you love and a big hug today my friend.
Beautiful Courtney! Thank you for sharing. Praying you feel Tim's love and spirit with you always.
What a beautiful post – and a beautiful tribute to the love you have for your brother. I don't think our hearts ever fully heal when we lose someone we love. That hole is always there, that emptiness, that void… until we are reunited again in eternity.
Hugs and love to you today~
What a beautiful post Courtney! I lost my dad 10 years ago and can completely relate to the raw pain you still feel. It doesn't get better–YOU just get stronger. XO sister!
So sorry for your loss, Courtney. These are such beautiful words….even more so because you didn't sugar coat the pain and loss you still feel so deeply. You're right – the hole doesn't go away, but God is faithful to bring beauty even from our greatest pain until that hole is finally filled in eternity. You honor him every time you brave those seas and no doubt his heart is overflowing with pride and love for his sis. Praying for your family today.
I'm so glad you shared this with us. I've have not experience the loss of a close relative, but did loose a friend in college which was completely unexpected. I cannot imagine the pain you experience each day, missing him. Praying for your family! It makes me smile that you see him through your children! One of my closest friends lost her mother at 16 and yesterday was the 9 year anniversary of her passing. It is still so hard for her but she cries sad and happy tears, remembering all the wonderful blessings and times she had, as well as wishing her mom was here to meet her daughter and share in the joys of motherhood. Thank you for your courage!
Blessings,
Kayla
K.R. Dixon Designs
http://adelightfulplacetodwell.com
You always have such a way with words. Wish I was there in person to give you a real hug today, just know I am sending it across the country with love. Thinking of you!
xo,
Jen
What an amazing post dear friend. Sending much love and hugs to you and inspired by your determination to honor your brother in your everyday passion for life, reflections on the world around you and the future in the eyes of R and G. Loved that pic of R on the beach with Tim! Xoxoxo
Oh friend. I'm sorry I'm just reading this. After losing my dad several years ago, I found myself nodding in agreement to so many things you said. What you probably don't realize is that in talking about your grief, you are helping others connect with theirs as well. I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, but I sure do appreciate your perspective on it. I'm hugging you right now! xoxo
Miss Courtney, I wish I could give you a big hug right now! You and your family are in my prayers as you continue to try to make sense of it all. <3
~Abby =)
This is a beautiful post. Your analogy of the boat on the waves is such a concrete one that really is perfect. (((Hugs)))
I stop by your blog sometimes but missed this until today. So glad I found this post, as it gives words to many of my same emotions…and its been almost 21 years since I lost my sister. Please continue writing from your heart like this, it is inspiring. Lots of love to you!
i stumbled upon your blog and I’m so glad I did. I’m so sorry for your loss! I lost my little brother a few years ago and believe me… I get it. He was my best friend and an amazing uncle to children. my thoughts are with you!