Good morning, sweet friends. First and foremost I want to acknowledge everyone who may be enduring the loss of their homes and cities due to the tornadoes and flooding. Dayton, Canton, Jefferson City, Kansas . . . so many cities and towns have been severely hit. I can’t begin to imagine what they feels like but I want you all to know we are thinking about you and praying for your safety.
Today I wanted to update you all on how mama is doing. It’s been a while since I have done so. I did post a small update on Instagram but wanted to go into a little more detail here. In sharing our story, I really want to provide support and hope for those of you going through the same thing so you’ll find tips and resources at the bottom of this update.
Condition as of Late
In order to understand where she is today, I think I need to back up about five months. Five months ago mom would jump up and down when we came to visit. She would immediately recognize us and show so much joy. Five months ago we were still able to take mom out to Target and to lunch.
Having said that, it was not easy. Her confusion was heightened and her words were few. But it was a joy to be able to get her our of her everyday environment and spend time with her. But her decline became more evident and a series of falls left her with a broken toe, broken ribs and infections. These all took a toll but she would seem to bounce back.
During the last couple of months, there was a definite progression of mom’s Alzheimer’s. She became more agitated and aggressive and lost her ability to communicate. While there are a couple of words here and there it is primarily mumbling. Here are some of her updated symptoms:
- incontinent
- unable to communicate
- needs full time help with personal care
- increased confusion
- agitation
- no understanding of directions or conversation
Moving Mom Closer to Home
Due to all of these factors, visits with mom became shorter and shorter. She would either fall asleep or wander away from us. It was impossible to take her out. Her footing is unstable and her attention span and understanding non-existent. When we first placed mom in San Diego is was perfect for her. The day before my dad died, they were still waking around the mall and having coffee at Nordstrom. So a large place where she could roam was ideal. Yes, it was almost an hour drive for us and not convenient, but would each make a day of it and spend as much time as possible with her. As you know, I cleared my calendar on Tuesdays and dedicated those days to her.
With her recent decline, mom doesn’t need to wander the aisles of Target, she needs love. She needs hugs. She needs to see our faces and feel our touch. And more often. She also needs a smaller environment with more one-on-one care. It was on all of our hearts to move her closer to us so that seeing her on a regular basis was the norm. My sister and I made finding a new home a priority. We knew the move could be difficult for her, but ultimately give her more peace and love.
How did the Move Go?
We moved mom one week ago. Despite this being our second time placing mom, nothing prepares you for it. It’s an out of body experience I don’t wish upon anyone. There is no getting around it. Packing up all of your parent’s belongings in two small boxes is just an awful feeling. It was so hard to say goodbye to care staff that felt like family. In fact one even gifted my mom a new rosary.
The drive was fantastic. She loved listening to music and eventually fell asleep. But moving in was a challenge for all of us. Mom was extremely combative and aggressive. Not all dementia patients exhibit that behavior but it can be a part of the progression of the disease. Indeed hard to watch when mom could not possibly hurt a fly her entire life. Such a sweet soul trapped in this awful disease.
I think the most challenging aspect for me is that the new caretakers, who are amazing, haven’t seen the kind, funny and gentle Linda we all know. They get a version of her that is suffering and frustrated. Breaks my heart.
Where are we now?
We are hopeful and thankful. I have so much gratitude for her caretakers, hospice, and her new home. It’s such a blessing. It is not without its challenges and mom needs strong medication to calm her down. That in turn makes her more sleepy. But we have been on this road with our beautiful mom for over 10 years. She has been putting up a good fight for so long. We want nothing more than for her to be calm and peaceful. We don’t want her to suffer. And we get to see her as often as we can because she is so close. It feels right.
sent to me by a friend who traveled this path
End-stage dementia is a tricky thing. There is no rule book nor is there a timeline. Some patients live for years in a non-functioning state. We don’t know what mom’s future looks like. We do know that she is being bathed daily, well cared for, surrounded by sweet ladies, and resting. And for that we are immensely grateful. Our faith is seeing us through and I am constantly humbled by God’s love and Grace. We love mama more than words can say and will see her through this until she can be reunited with my dad and brother.
More of Our Story
Alzheimer’s Diagnosis: Now What?
Alzheimer’s Journey Q & A Number One
Alzheimer’s Journey Q & A Number Two
Grief | Learning to Love the Patina
Resources and Tips
@Love_And_OpenArms : My Instagram for sharing about mom.
24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900
Maria Shriver Fighting Alzheimer’s
My Two Elaine by Martin Schreiber
Broken Beauty by my friend Sarah Smith
Know the difference between Alzheimer’s & Dementia
Important Information (Legal and Financial Matters, Medicare, etc)
My heart goes out to you and your family. Praying that you feel God’s love and grace as you are going through this difficult journey with your loving mom. 💕
Thank you so much, Kathy. So appreciate the prayers and well wishes. xo
My thoughts are with your family. That quote is so beautiful and true. One day at a time. You are going through this journey with so much love and grace, and that is the absolute best anyone can do!
I love that quote, too. It really rings true. Thank you, Jamie. One day at a time, for sure. Enjoy the rest of your week. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thinking of you and your family. She is so lucky to have you guys by her side, I have no doubt she knows how loved she is. Sending you love and strength.
It is a beautiful honor to share in this journey with your family. Bless your sweet Mama and bless you as you navigate this phase.
I am holding your family in my heart. Your love and care for your mom is a testament to her life and how she and your dad raised you. I wish you all peace.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with your mom. I also have a mom at the later middle -early end stages of Alzheimer’s. So I can really relate. My mom is settling in to her memory care and I’m so grateful for the wonderful staff that care for her. I try to go three times a week – she doesn’t recognize me anymore and has trouble speaking and eating. I used to color or work on puzzles with her. Now I like to do her nails and rub her hands and feet with lotion. She still likes being pampered!! Plus I’m getting pretty good at fixing her hair. Touch, smiles and attention seem to go over well at this stage. Thanks again for your blog.
I have been so encouraged and inspired by your posts regarding your sweet mom. My mom has been battling cancer for 2 years. It’s a very different road than the one you are on, however, many of the emotions are the same. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Your grace and patience through this heartbreaking journey has been so inspiring. Thank you for your openness in sharing this with us. Sending love and strength to you and your family.
Oh My dear, the pain is so hard. It’s the remembering of who they are or were that hurts so deeply.
One never imagines this and it hits hard. I’m so sorry.
I will pray for you as well.
Oh I am so sorry, Courtney. My heart goes out to you and your family. Know that your mom is so proud of the strong, caring woman you have become!! Sending hugs to you!!
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your mother and your family. I have a close friend going through the same thing with her mom. She spends one day every week helping out her dad, but comes back sad and depressed with the knowledge that her mom is no longer the person she once knew. I am going to send her in your direction, hopefully she can find some peace and solace in reading about your journey with your mom. I love your blogs, style, ideas, etc. Keep up the fabulous work and know that we understand if you decide to not talk about it. This is personal and although writing about it helps with coping, it also becomes knowledge for everyone else. Seeing a parent decline is so hard on everyone. I appreciate your strength and courage and willingness to share. Take care my blogging friend. <3
Your sweet momma! You should show her caretakers the videos you’ve posted of her. I’ve fallen in love with your sweet mom through watching them…they can see that endearing side of her too. Sounds so difficult, and so heartbreaking…but the way you love her is so beautiful!
Sending so much love Courtney. I know you would never choose this journey but I am grateful that you are documenting it for us and allowing us in, as painful as it is. You are undoubtedly helping so many in the process. Thinking of you lots friend. XO
Oh dear…this has given me a lump in my throat while reading this (as I’m sure you had a hard time writing it down. ) So many memories of my own mom came rushing into my head (as you know,, both of my parents ended up with Alzheimer’s) . The entire process is so crappy and heartbreaking for everyone. You know, sometimes I always thought that perhaps, that subconsciously, there was some little thing in my mom’s brain that was .”with it” (for lack of a better word). I think that combativeness was still her frustrations coming out and maybe knowing she wasn’t the same anymore..couldn’t get the right words out, couldn’t think. It must be awful for people with this disease. I wouldn’t wish my mom back for anything now (unless she was her old self) , but honestly, it was a huge relief when her suffering was over. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong. I was a mama’s girl, through and through and I was devastated the morning she died, but all that worry and stress left me. Like she took it all with her and left me with such a peaceful feeling. Like it was her last gift to me. The verse your friend sent you is very touching. Hang in there. You’ve been a wonderful daughter and you
will never have any regrets.
I always appreciate your updates about how your sweet mama is doing and love to hear how very much she is loved by all of you 💜. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
There are so many challenges to face and no easy way to get through them, but through them we go. Our hearts are with you.
Courtney, you and your family are in our hearts. I think of you and your sweet mama every time I walk through the toddler clothing section at Target. Sending all our good, positive thoughts from Arizona.
Bless you and your mom. Take care of yourself Courtney as “anticipatory grief” takes its toll. You are an amazing daughter and your dad would be so proud of you and your sister. Praying for calm and peace for all.
Lifting you all up in prayer and asking our most Blessed Mother to intercede and wrap her loving arms around your mother.
My heart breaks for you and your family. It is such a horrible ordeal and like others who commented, it reminds me of what I went through with my mom. You are right – the memory care workers are saints! They know your mom is more than what they can see on the outside. She is a whole lovely person who raised a beautiful family and you are the product of her love. Good for you and your sister to make this tough decision. Short visits will now be possible. Take care during this phase of the journey-
Dear Courtney,
Suzanne sent me an update on your Mom. My heart breaks for you and Kristen. I know what you are going through. My Mother died of Dementia in 2011 after approx 13 years at age 88. It’s a terrible disease, I think worse than cancer. I pray everyday that it doesn’t hit my family, but as you know God has a plan. We most times don’t understand His reasons, but He loves us and takes care of us when all is said and done. Faith is sometimes very challenging when we hurt so much but we must stay focused on Him and know that He holds us in the palm of His hands. My prayers go up for your family and Mom as you weather this storm.
All my love ,
Rosemarie
I will always remember sweet Linda. Bless all your hearts for your compassion and care for her. Your family is amazing. It’s so hard. I remember how hard it was for my father in law with my mother in law. Only saving grace was that she never knew Randy died. Keeping your faith in God and his grace is so important. We don’t understand why these things happen. Like your quote said, you just have to go through them. God bless you all! Nancy xo
You and your family remain on my heart and in my spoken prayers. Be as strong as you can through the challenges. What a wonderful daughter you are.❤️
So sorry you can’t do your little Target shops & lunch… those were so sweet to see. Blessings & prayers for you in this new stage. May God continue to give you the grace & peace only He can give.
Hi Courtney,
I cry with every update you post. I am so sad that you have to go through this with your mom and aren’t enjoying fun times making memories together. That said, we all do the best with what we are dealt and she is so blessed to have you. I pray for peace for her and also your entire family.
Thanks for sharing so we can continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers!
Courtney, thank you for sharing the story of your mom with us. You have really inspired me to think about how to be adaptable in the way I show love to my family members—especially those going through severe challenges. I don’t know that this would be suitable for your mom’s situation, but I read about this Morning Glory Memory Keeper journal. It seemed like a sweet way to communicate a loved one’s story and preferences to caregivers. https://www.amazon.com/Morning-Glory-Memory-Keeper-Routines-ebook/dp/B06XY5FTS4
My heart breaks for you, your mom and whole family. We traveled this journey with my grandma. Now that she’s passed, I find I don’t even think of the dementia when I think of her, I remember her as the faithful, caring, hardworking woman I knew.
I’ll pray a Rosary for your mom, her family and caregivers tonight as I pray before the Blessed Sacrament.
Lynette, I hope you don’t mind if I say something about your post. I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, but I never think of my mom or dad in their confused states anymore either. It’s always what they were like prior to their dementia. Strong, hardworking farmers. Mom would work right along with him driving tractors, raising livestock, etc. A true farmers wife. Add to that, raising two little girls and taking care of a big old farmhouse. I have always admired them and have strived to be like them. Anyways..thanks for that thought. I never realized it until now. 😊
Colleen, you made me smile. My grandparents were farmers as well. Lived on the same farm for the (almost) 76 years they were married. My very best memories are of time spent with them on the farm:)
Oh Courtney, this is so heart wrenching and I am full of tears reading this post. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are strong and brave and full of Love! Your sweet mama and your family are always in my prayers! I used to frequent the mall often when I had pre school pick ups and have such fond memories of seeing your mom and dad sitting at the tables in front of Nordstrom! sometimes I stopped and said hi and sometimes I just walked by with a smile….She almost always had pink on! Please give her an extra hug from me! XoXo
My sweet Daddy died four weeks ago. He had been battling COPD for years. Hospice was amazing. I can’t say enough good things about them. I only wish we had called them earlier. People don’t realize that you can use them for six months and it’s not just for the final days. Praying for you.
I’m always amazed by your ability to share all of this with us. You have remained so strong in such a difficult time. I am thinking of you and your family and wish you peace and love. Xo
Hi Courtney, I reached out to you a few months ago as both my parents have and are traveling this same Dementia/Alzheimer’s road. I am sorry to hear about your sweet Mom. Your posts give me comfort as my Mother is in s similar situation. My Dad passed away about 6 weeks ago from this disease. It is so hard to watch our parents go down this road. I found a wonderful way place in Newport Beach and am lucky to live close enough to see my Mom even though she is in a very similar situation as your Mom. You give so many people inspiration and hope. Take Care, Mindy
The move makes so much sense. I’m sure your dad would be so proud of you and your sister making these tough decisions. You’ll go through this next stage with grace and love and gentleness and compassion just as you always have and you’ve created such a wonderful community upon which to lean on as you do so:)
Sending you hugs! I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. Thanks for sharing this.
Aw Courtney, you and your mom have been on my mind so much… And I was so missing your Tuesday Target dates on Instagram. sending you love and strength, and peace in knowing you have made the right decision and your sweet mama is close to you now, and she can enjoy your frequent visits and affection x
I pray for your sweet mom and I pray for you everyday. As you know I went down this journey. It isn’t easy but I know, without a doubt, that God was there through it all. It’s so difficult to go through this but Courtney, you are doing it with so much love. Hold fast to God and know that there are many praying you and your mom through this. Sending so much love. ❤️
Thank goodness for God’s love and grace to lift us up as we watch our loved ones deteriorate.
One thing to discuss with her physician would be a medication to boost the neurotransmitters in the brain, such as Effexor. Her combination of injuries and ailments along with her advancing dementia almost certainly would lead to her brain being chemically depressed. Please reach out if you have any questions.
Thoughts and prayers to your entire family and your beautiful Mom. The love you have for her shines through in your writing about this traumatic, heart breaking disease. May this next phase be a peaceful one for all of you.