Not exactly the post you want to be reading, right? Even the title might make you uncomfortable. But here is the deal. Death is very much a part of life and yet it’s rarely spoken about. Death and dying are uncomfortable topics for most. Our society tends to shy away from the concept altogether or wishes to move past it as quickly as possible. If you have ever lost someone you may have experienced just that.
My hope is that this blog will always serve as a soft place to land if you are experiencing grief, a sudden and unexpected loss, or a long goodbye. Without question, death is a tender topic and none of us know exactly how to broach the subject. But the important thing is to know that there are absolutely things you can do to help a friend who has lost someone special.
Although I have lost three of my immediate family members, many people my age have yet to experience loss. And while it has been a significant part of my journey thus far, I STILL struggle when others lose someone special. My sister and I are amazed with how wonderful our friends and family have been and it helps us grieve and assimilate into the losses. We’ve learned so much from them. I also reached out to friends who have experienced loss to ask what was most helpful for them. I was a bit surprised to find that their list was almost identical to the one I had composed. With so many common threads, it really gave me the confidence to know that the following list is pertinent through so many different types of loss.
This post is merely a way of opening the conversation. And perhaps when you hear the devastating news that someone is gone, this might be a resource when you feel stuck. For those moments when you second guess yourself or think, “I don’t know what to do or say.” Here is what you can do.
1 | SHOW UP
That’s the most important thing you can do. Just show up. Don’t be afraid of saying the perfect thing. No one expects you to take away the pain or make it all better. A friend just needs a friend. Plain and simple. By showing up you have already been a wonderful friend.
2 | TEXT
Grab your phone and send a text. Easy. “I’m thinking about you right now. I love you. I am here for you.” Or ask how they are doing that day. When the grief is extremely raw, a simple adjustment in how you ask will make all the difference in the world. I’ve heard this from so many people. Asking the general question, “How are you doing?” can be deflating. Because what your friend really wants to say is, “I’m devastated.” or “I don’t know, I can’t even wrap my head around that question. . . my world is falling apart.” But “How are you this very minute?” is something that can be answered. It’s manageable inside their head that is undoubtedly spinning.
3 | LEAVE A MESSAGE
Pick up the phone and call. More likely than not, you will reach their voicemail. A short and sweet loving message is wonderful. “You’ve been on my mind all morning and I just want you to know that I am grieving with you.” or “Please know I am here and just a phone call away day or night.” If they answer the phone boy was that a sign that you were meant to call and they need to talk. Jackpot.
4 | FIVE SECOND RULE
Are you aware of the five second rule? That if you don’t physically act on a thought within five seconds, your brain will kill it. I think this is so pertinent when it comes to being there for someone else. If you think of your friend, act. Send the text, make the call, drop by for a hug. I believe those thoughts come into our heads for a reason. And you never know, it may be exactly what that person needs at that very moment.
5 | BE UNDERSTANDING
Be understanding. Grief looks different for all. Just because someone is grieving doesn’t mean that won’t still be smiling and fully present one day and lost and withdrawn the next. And being happy and joyful doesn’t mean they are over it. There is no getting over it. There is getting through it. A loss is forever. Holidays, anniversaries, . . . they can all be especially painful and complicated. Just know that there is no expiration date on grief.
6 | LISTEN
Listen. It’s absolutely ok if you don’t know what to say. Just be there to listen. Let them know you are not going anywhere. Loss breeds insecurity. An insecurity about people not being there. Let them know you’ll be there.
7 | DROP OFF DINNER
Drop off dinner. Often times friends start meal trains or something similar. That is awesome. But what else is awesome is just texting and saying, “I am bringing dinner today. Pop it in the freezer if you don’t need it.” It’s absolutely ok to be lovingly assertive. It’s hard for people to admit they need the help. And quite frankly, loss often makes you want to curl up in a ball so when friends are a bit pushy it’s fantastic.
8 | STATEMENT OVER QUESTION
This goes along with number seven. It is human nature to ask a question rather than make a statement. It is of course more polite and it gives the recipient an out, right?! That is what we are taught. In a situation where someone is grieving and it is raw, that goes out the window. When asked a question your friend is most likely going to say, “Oh no. You don’t need to. Don’t worry about it.” No one wants to feel like they are a burden or perceived as needing a favor. In the time of raw grief the statements below are the saving graces in your day.
- “I’m going to pick up the kids after school and take them for ice cream. I’ll drop them off at 4:30.”
- “Stay in you jammies tomorrow morning. I will drive the kids to school.”
- “I’m dropping a coffee on your front porch in an hour.”
- “I left something fun for the kids to do in your mailbox.”
- “Drop the kids of on Saturday for two hours so you can have some alone time.”
These are just some examples and all situations are different but don’t be afraid to drop the question mark and let them know you are jumping in to help.
9 | RUN THE ERRAND
Errands are so easy when you are fully functioning. When someone is grieving a simple errand feels like climbing a mountain. Plus it is very hard to be out in public just after a loss. Are you heading to Costco or target? Text your friend. “I’m headed to Target, send me a list of what you need.” Or it might be, “What phone calls can I make for you?” Beyond the loss, there are oftentimes a million logistical things that need to happen behind the scenes. Asking if you can take one or two off of their plate is so helpful.
10 | Share a Story
Share a story or anecdote. This is the number one thing that actually transforms the pain into love and warmth. My sister and I are immensely grateful for the people that sent texts, cards, or emails sharing how my mom, dad, or our brother impacted their lives. It’s like food for the soul. It’s almost impossible to explain but hearing a story or a memory of how they remember that person allows them to live on. It begins that legacy that is so very important.
And something to remember is that just because you reach out and try one of these things on any given day and it is not met with acceptance, that certainly does not mean you can’t try again. Keep trying. Keep showing up. It’s remarkable what small things can really do to help someone through the process.
I would love nothing more than to fill the comment section with more ideas on what you appreciated when you lost someone special. Let’s keep the dialogue going and empower one another so that when a friend needs us we think, “Ok. I got this. I am here.”
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I am so glad and grateful you put this together.
That means so much. Thank you. I really hope it is helpful.
Somehow I missed this post yesterday. But saw it today. Literally, after randomly texting an old friend I haven’t talked to in years, that I was thinking of her because of music I was listening to. I texted to just let her know she was thought of (wasn’t that number 2) only to find out her mom is in early stages of Alzheimer’s and her dad was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. You can bet I read this list twice and will be putting it all in to practice. I heard that whisper and I listened to it and am so grateful I did. We also lost my husbands mom to cancer and my dad passed very unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. So I, unfortunately, am a great friend for her to lean on in this horrible time because I’ve been down this path a few times and might be able to offer her some comfort. Thank you for the reminders and helpful tips. I’m sure they’ll make a difference.
Our dear friend lost her Father 3 months ago unexpectedly, while we sent flowers and a card, this post reminded me that she’s still hurting. This will be the first holiday without him. I texted her yesterday to check in and let her know that I was thinking of her and it meant the world she replied. It’s so easy to go about day to day not realizing that it’s a struggle for others. Thank you for the reminder that we can all use a little check in.
This is an absolute beautiful post. I‘m still mourning the loss of my mother 14 Years later and the best thing that people can still do is to share a story or a memory it makes me feel like I’m not the only one missing her. I found it really hard after a few months people seem to go on with their lives and your left in this world of darkness and it can be very overwhelming to feel like everyone else has moved on. Thank you for always doing the brave thing and writing messages that a lot of people need to hear. ❤️
This is perfect-when I lost my m om, and when my friends have lost their loved ones…I wish that I had had a list like this. This is a keeper! Thank you!
Oh how I love this post so much!! I agree 100% with all of these but my all time FAVORITE is #10. I hope I have done a few of these for you, love you sweet friend ❤️
What a great post! Thank you for putting so much thought into it and sending it out into the world.
Thank you for this! When I lost my little sister when she was 30 my best friend texted me every single day with random silly things – she did this for three months…to this day it was the nicest thing someone has done for me.
I just found out an old friends daughter passed in a car accident . You cannot imagine how helpful this post was for me. To be honest I copied your comments in #3 because I couldn’t find words but so wanted to convey my support. Thank you so very much for hitting publish on this today.
GREAT list!! so very true.
Love this post Courtney. Beautifully written and a very helpful list of things we can do to help a friend or loved one. My mom passed away 13 years ago and I love and appreciate when others share stories about her. It keeps her memory alive, honors her and brings me comfort. Holidays are almost here and can be a very difficult time. Sharing stories year round is special and I think even more special and meaningful at the holiday time. Including one of their favorite side dishes or desserts at Thanksgiving or Christmas can mean so much.
I love to send cards in the mail. Just a simple “thinking of you” written on a pretty card. I think people appreciate going to the mailbox and among the bills or junk mail see a handwritten card.
My girlfriend lost her mom a few months ago and she loved her mom’s homemade lemon bars. I had her mom’s recipe and made a batch, wrapped them In a pretty basket with a yellow satin ribbon and a card saying I hoped her mom’s lemon bars brought her a little comfort that day.
Thank you Courtney for writing this post today on a subject that is not an easy one. ❤️
Thank you for this post- I will definitely use this as a reference!
I recently lost my grandmother to Alzheimer’s and following your journey with your mom was incredibly helpful. Once again, you have helped because my friend just shared today that she lost her young sister to cancer and I was at a loss as to how best to help. I am so very sorry for your losses but feel extremely grateful that you have been willing to share your stories to help others. Thank you.
When my son died I appreciated food being dropped off. I still had small kids and was in no shape to cook. And don’t worry about saying the right thing , just sitting with the person helps.
Thank you for sharing this post! Such wonderful and thoughtful ideas. When I was much younger, I always found it difficult to find the right words ~ I was so worried I would make things worse, not better, you know? All of your ideas are comforting!
What a wonderful post and extremely helpful. Thank you.
What a wonderful post. When I lost my mother 28 years ago many friends were standoffish. I know this was due to feeling uncomfortable, but it truly hurt my feelings and made me feel isolated. I will be forever grateful to other friends that jumped in by simply being there, giving hugs, lending an ear or just distracting me. As you pointed out, you don’t have to say the perfect thing- just show up in any form. One of the best things anyone said to me was about 10 years ago- my best friends father said “You look more like your mother every day!” That truly warmed my heart!
One of the nicest things a friend did for me after my Dad died was to text me that first Fathers Day. She just simply said she was thinking of me. It meant the world to me.
I just lost a dear friend this morning and got chills when I saw your post this evening. That universe….!
(Thank you!)
As always, you handle a difficult subject and situation with such grace. Thank you for putting together this truly helpful post. I am sorry that you have had such heartbreaking loss and I think that you are so brave to channel some of your experience into ways that we can all help each other during those tough times.
Perfectly stated!
I love this list. I think we often forget that the most simple of acts can have the most impact. Your list highlights so many very simple things we can all do just make someone feel loved and supported.
Thank you for this lovely post. A family in our community lost their little toddler the other week. I don’t know them that well and was at a loss for what I could do to help. Your post has given me the confidence to do something and a few ideas as to what I could do. Thank you so very much.
I have been a counsellor for many years and have sat with many people who are grieving. You hit on so many of the things that I have repeatedly heard as being helpful. As a society, we really need to our comfort with grief and liars like this as so helpful. Great job 🙂
What an incredible post my friend – I have a close friend experiencing trauma right now and I have often questioned what I should be doing. Its heartwarming to know that I have done a few of the above and it truly has meant the world to her. So wish I lived closer to you to pop in for tea and a big hug x
So heart inspiring to have these ideas. I especially like the idea of making statements rather than asking questions. They will still say “You don’t have too…”, it’s human nature to say that and a routine response but one that you can turn around by simply saying, “But I want too. Please let me…
Something I’d like to hear about is other’s ideas for quick casserole or suggestions for easy to make and bring and reheat dinners!
I love this post Courtney. Thank you for writing it. ❤️